Sailing.

It is 1 a.m. and the silence of the evening is all too familiar and comforting.

Mike sent me a text this week hinting once again that we need to talk. I don't know what he wants from me. He keeps taking me back to this past that no longer exists and it infuriates me. Sometimes I feel like he uses me to remind himself of the person he wants to be. He doesn't really love me. He loves the way I used to love him.

Which, of course, is heartbreaking. Have I become an expert on unrequited love? I think of meeting someone again someday, and I know that the person I want to be with wouldn't deserve the baggage I carry from this past relationship.

So I carried on with my day, finished my lessons, came home, recorded music, and contemplated the luxury of letting someone go. Really letting them go. Sending "love and light" their way each time they crossed my mind, and then dropping it. This must be a reality for some, or the idea wouldn't exist.

I've been taking lots of harbor walks lately. Gazing out at the fishing boats listening to clanking sails, dreaming of the lives of fishermen... oh the places they must go! In other parts of the harbor, there are large cruise ships that stand tall and shining, ready for their next journey.

The majority of the harbor is mostly small sailboats with names like "Relentless" and "Wait 'n' Sea" or "Grateful"... these boats are typically occupied with middle aged men. Jimmy Buffet lazily drifts slowly into the wind, and the faint smell of margaritas and cigars can be detected. Did these men save money their whole lives for these boats and their monthly slips? Or did they simply inherit them? I often get the sneaking suspision that these men, despite their floral print polo shirts and scruffy beards, lead quite successful lives at Law Firms or Tax Shops. They have wives, children, and golden retrievers. But everyone needs somewhere to go to escape. While my current escape is the grass and sidewalks that surround the harbor, I often dream of one day escaping to my own salt-stained boating paradise. Where I can get sunburned from sailing to Catalina, or where I can fall asleep to the sounds of the waves lapping against my cozy commune.

Someone asked me today if my dream was to become famous. I get asked that often. I don't want my name in lights. I just want the comfort of feeling free, music and all, by creating a home for myself. I don't want a ton of money, or recognition. I just want to be around when people need me, and I want them to be there when I need them. I want my little town by the sea to bring me all sorts of exciting adventures in and out of the water.