Car Crash

I recently said something I meant, but I said it to the wrong person, and I lost a friendship over it. I hate that words have that power - the magnificent power to express or destroy. How calloused can I possibly be, spouting opinions to the wrong audience, expecting understanding? It was rude, yet I couldn't help thinking how justified I felt. That spouting of the powers of destruction.

It was like watching a car crash in slow motion, watching it from the curb, and not being able to do a single thing to stop it. And I watched this persons eyes go from warm to cold so quickly I could have sworn I'd mistaken my own judgment. A look that sounded like splitting metal and smelled like gasoline. Hatred. Through the eyes of someone who tells me to forgive, to accept, to understand. Cold, unforgiving hatred.

And as I walked away from the argument into the violent, cold wind, I couldn't help but cry. Because I was hit with this awful realization that sometimes we can't control what we say. And we have to accept the consequences that come with that. Sometimes.

It seems that the most fatal of topics are those involving personal matters of the heart. Religion, loyalty, social politics. These are the most important topics, and yet they hurt us the most.

So tonight I will cling to what is the most comfortable - a conversation with a family member, another with a best friend, a text to a possible first date. I will watch Christmas movies through blurry eyes in the comfort of my own bed, and I will think, really think, about why safety is so important. And why it is important to speak when you think something is significant, even if it is offensive. Because that's the way you learn. By being human.